Monday, January 12, 2004

You will soon see why.

A little background: my boyfriend, my dog, my cat and I all live in an apartment of large size, moderate rent, and...um...lavish decor. The apartment takes up the 2nd floor and attic of a turn of the century home. It’s not a particularly nice or even large house. At some point in the 70‘s, though, the rooms that constitute our apartment were turned into kind of a swinging pad, and nothing has changed about it since.

The entrance and hall are painted a color that I would name “dull as dirt” if Crayola were to begin offering it in their jumbo box of 2,000 crayons. You know, if I were the person who named the colors. Which I’m not, but now that I think of it, sounds like a really cool job. Also found in the foyer/hall space is a large wall of mirrors - floor to 11” ceiling.



Mirrors, so wonderfully reflective, can be found in every room of our apartment. All permanently installed and all treated as design features. If you are someone who does not enjoy seeing their reflection at all times (as I am), navigating the rooms of our apartment is tricky business.

The Living Room:
We have two crystal chandeliers in our living room. That is not to say that the chandeliers are actually appropriate to the space. It’s a regular sized living room with sort-of high ceilings. Nothing that warrants chandeliers befitting a ballroom. But that’s what makes them so attractive.



Not only that, we also have 4 matching crystal wall sconces, two of which were hung on the windows, themselves.

Why, no curtains, thanks…you see, we have sconces.

I think you need something like 50 little flame-shaped flickering bulbs to fill all the crystal dripping light fixtures found in the living room. It’s flicker-diculous.

I know, I know. It sounds like I'm bragging.

The walls are a ruddy color. Maybe it‘s rust, maybe it‘s red. It‘s a complicated color (as only colors from the 70’s can be). Think red tomato meets orange puke.

And the carpet! My. They cut it a few feet short so they could use it as more of an area rug. You know how it goes.. They figured, hey, it's low pile, shitty-ass carpet - it'll make a nice rug. So they nailed it in and then, to finish it off with a little flair, they gave it an adorable little yarn fringe. As for the color, well, think gray meets light blue meets 35 years of dust. Yummy.

Check the curtains! Rusty velvet on shiny yellow sputum. Dee-lish! Think Marie Antoinette meets Bobby Trendy.

The Attic
You’ll find a set of stairs if you head through the door at the end of the living room. They are swathed in the nicest rust colored carpet one could find in 1973.



Head up the stairs, hook a right and there you see before you a large, brown (of course!) door. A door with the doorknob placed right smack in the center of it.

What was this about?

Then you enter the attic, itself. They opted to work within the original lines of the roof and created this rusty dream of a room. Niche after everloving niche. You can’t see all the niches in the picture below, but you CAN see the sink and vanity that were carefully placed in the room (if you squint through the glare of bad photography). The question that I put to you is…why did they feel the need to put the sink in the bedroom? Was this for easy clean-up? If so, clean-up of what? I don’t know the answer to those questions, but I can tell you that the space has no windows and smells suspiciously of incense even all these years later. Incense, as you know, is good for covering up typical household smells like “opium smoke” or “sex stank”.



The Master Bedroom
The walls of this delightful room are painted a striking cobalt blue. There is elaborate gold, black, and white crown molding that decorates the coffered ceiling. Upon further inspection of the ceiling, you’ll see that it’s been painted a color that is lighter in hue than the walls, but no less striking. I think one can imagine that ‘sky’ is the look they were going for with it. Personally, I see more of an aqua from the ‘Partridge Family’ school of colors, but I haven’t referred to my box of Crayola, yet, for confirmation.

There’s a chandelier in here, as well, though it’s vastly different than the crystal-drippers in the living room. I don’t know what the hell this one is.



Also note the fantastic Greek pediments above the doors. These are an important touch that lend an air of formality to the room. Bring your toga if you visit. It’s the only appropriate attire.



I know you think there couldn’t possibly be anything else worth noting in this room, but you’re wrong. The room’s finest feature, in my opinion, would have to be it’s chocolate brown, wall-to-wall shag carpeting. And when I say “chocolate brown,” I mean “skid-mark brown.”

But let’s move on to the piece de resistance:

The Master Bathroom
Here, I believe, is where the mission of the interior design of this place came to fruition.

The brown shag carpeting has elegantly been extended straight through to the master bath (as in literally right up to it). And where the brown shag carpeting ends, dark brown, synthetic marble begins. And where the dark brown, synthetic marble ends, mirrors take over and finish the job. If there were three design ideas from the 70’s that were worth clinging to, mirror tiles, synthetic marble, and shag carpeting would be they.

My 22lb monster of a cat has graciously agreed to provide you with some scale for the bathtub.

Actually, he’s just in there because the bathtub is his favorite room.

The toilet and tub have been placed on a brown shag platform. I believe the interior decorators were trying to elevate these activities and bring them closer to their God, Dionysus - a tribute to whom has been placed lovingly on the wall of the shower. He is complete with open mouth from which we receive our bathwater. Blessed, are we. The bathtub itself is sunken into a marble platform upon which, no doubt, many a Dionysian prayer circle was formed.

Again, in the master bath we find floor to ceiling mirrors. The two short walls that you see covered in marble are the only walls that are not mirror-clad. This is particularly evident when one is “enthroned”, as it were. There is mirror both in front of and behind the toilet which renders one able to view countless reflections of themselves atop their throne. I find this endlessly entertaining.

Note: There is a small chandelier reminiscent of the one in the master bedroom hanging above the bathtub and there is a small round porthole on the wall above the tub. For some unknown and infinitely tasteful reason, they have placed amber colored glass in this window. I have no explanation for this. It is simply inexplicable. A friend suggested that perhaps the amber glass is to lend amber-lighted ambience to the room, but I beg to differ. The amber glass is not opaque, therefore, sunlight shines through the porthole like a laser - blinding you with yellow light as opposed to bathing you in amber ambience.

And finally, have a look at this last shot…



Note that both a telephone and an intercom have been placed conveniently beside the commode. This is in case you need more people at your orgy..I mean.. prayer circle or find yourself low on toilet paper and need to call for reinforcements.

Now. Don’t bother getting all jealous on me. I’ve seen pools fill faster than this blasted tub. Second, even if we could fill it, we can‘t fill it with water that is a reasonable temperature to bathe in. For some mysterious reason the water is either ass-tightening cold or, if you flush the toilet repeatedly while showering, scalding hot. And when I say scalding, I mean to say agonizingly, literally scalding you, hot.

From what I understand, this apartment was renovated in the 70's by a lovely young gay couple who lived in it for many years until one of them passed away. The surviving one refuses to change anything - even the paint color - in this apartment cum museum as it would not be how his dead lover would have wanted it. This place is a shining tribute to days gone by.

We are just fortunate to be renting this place during a time when 70's decor is chic again.

dawnkeyotie bitched @ 1/12/2004 11:49:37 AM